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A Juice in Rhyme

By: Juices' Main Squeeze on March 17th, 2009

With shamrocks and leprechauns in the air today and inspired by my recent screening of Far and Away (ah, the good ole days when TC and NK were a couple…), I propose a St. Patty’s Day verse challenge. Post a limerick about the meanest, greenest Juice you know in the comments below.

There was a young lass named Nadine,
Not one ounce of her being was mean,
          But give her a ball,
          Shin guards and all,
And she becomes a soccer fiend.

Pedro: A Retrospective

By: Juices' Main Squeeze on March 16th, 2009


Pedro, aka "Sporty Juice"

Pedro, aka "Sporty Juice"

As my beloved Juices wind down another successful season, it seems an appropriate time to pay tribute to the heart of the team, the top goal scorer, the Brazilian superstar Pedro!

Some of this fan’s favorite Pedro moments:

October 26: Pedro makes his Juices of Fire debut, scoring 4 goals. It was at this game that Juices loyalists fell in love with Pedro’s feet–a light touch with seemingly effortless ball control.

October 31: Pedro shows up at an infamous local Halloween party. To the shock of all in attendance, Pedro brazenly does not wear a costume, but instead reveals his true identity of Brazilian indoor soccer super hero! One could only imagine the giant letter “P” that must be hidden under his yellow jersey. At the party, Pedro also demonstrates how down-to-earth he is–willing to associate with the likes of udder-flaunting cows. Maybe Pedro sensed that this pink-eared bovid had Juice potential in him somewhere beneath those spots.


"Is there Juice in that suit?"

November 23: The Juices face off against a team of high schoolers. While the youth and vigor of the underage team tries the patience of the ultimately victorious Green Machine, Pedro single-handedly frustrates the teens’ parents. Sources report that from the eighth minute on, the parents in the stands began referring to Pedro as “Blue Shorts.” “Blue Shorts is too good for this league,” they complained. “Bench Blue Shorts,” they chanted. And at one point, a desperate mother was heard to cry, “Knock Blue Shorts down!”

March 7: Pedro sports his signature exposed shin guards. With socks down and shin guards flapping, the Brazilian wonder plays strong offense and defense in the most heartbreaking game of the season.

Pedro's signature style

Pedro's signature style

March 15: Pedro closes out Open Orange league season 2 with the characteristic strong performance that draws his fans back for more every Sunday. This fan’s heart stopped momentarily when one of the the bruisers from Verizon Wireless knocked Pedro to the ground. Was the star hurt? Would he rise from the field able to play on? The answer…yes! The resilient Pedro finishes the game strong, scoring goal after goal and racking up assist after assist in the 12-4 victory.

Pedro doing what Pedro does best

Pedro doing what Pedro does best

Clubs Warned Over Kolatorowicz

By: Constable Monocle on March 12th, 2009

<i>Adam "Dread Juice" Kolatorowicz puts pen to contract extension</i>

Adam "Dread Juice" Kolatorowicz puts pen to contract extension

Following weeks of uncertainty, Adam “Dread Juice” Kolatorowicz has pledged his future to the Juices. After last season’s impressive Teal League displays, the hardnose captain was being courted by Blue Division giants The Bulldogs. Unsettled by the owner’s lack of a serious offer, it was rumored that “Dread Juice” would be on his way out. It was reported that The Bulldogs were outraged by The Juices transfer price of $48.00 USD. Recent headlines of “Dread’s Days Numbered,” “Who Say Jah No Dread,” and “Hootenany,” have left Los Jugos supporters feeling less than confident about their skipper’s return. Tonight they can rest easy. Club ownership issued a statement:

Adam means so much to the club. He will be here for the foreseeable future. Other offers for the player will not be considered, and will be viewed as an enchroachment of SoccerFirst player rules.”

Terms were not revealed, but the deal does include a deluxe DVD version of R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet” and an unlimited supply of Manwich. Adam insists that he is 100% focused on the upcoming game, and won’t “phone in” his performance against Verizon Wireless this Sunday.

Co-Ed Orange Headed To Finale

By: Soccer Face on March 12th, 2009

With the Juices (4-2-2) ousted from the title-race, they now are left to wonder how Soccer-First decides promotion and relegation. The former co-ed Teal group has seen huge improvement this season, but will probably finish the season in the fourth slot following their stifling blow. I look forward to a full season of action-packed analysis this spring. Look for a season wrap-up next week followed by a spring previous coming in three weeks.

The winter season comes down to a series of two all-important matches:

Worthington Christian (7-1-0) vs. Gender Bender (5-1-2), 2:18pm

This could be the match of the season. Following their last-minute victory over the Greens, Worthington Christian must again bring it’s top side out to face contenders Gender Bender. After their classy season, I can only hope Worthington has what it takes to beat their young foes. Gender Bender is coming off a much needed bye week (and hold a game in-hand) after their brutal draw with the Greens. Have their players recovered from the action-packed fight? Watch for Gender Bender’s use of colorful language in attempts to shock the devout leaders into misstep. With a victory, Worthington Christian will have secured the title. With a draw or loss, the race becomes competitive, with second-place Odd Assortment looking good.

Odd Assortment (6-1-1) vs. Pay Per Vu (3-2-3), 10:48pm

Odd Assortment handily dealt with bottom-dwellers Verizon Wireless (0-6-1), as expected, last week by a scoreline of 11-3. Unfortunately VW must continue their misery facing nearly sure defeat by the hands of the Jucies of Fire this week followed by a derby against Gender Bender on 3/23. The 23rd sees most other co-ed Orange groups with a week off to regroup before the spring season. Pay Per Vu, on the other hand, are coming off a stunning 9-5 loss to Tide (3-3-1). If Odd Assortment are able to get through PPV’s ailing defense for a victory, they could win the league with a draw or tie in the previous match.

As always, I look forward to Constable Monocle’s excellent assessment of the Juice’s season-ending pick-me-up against Verizon Wireless (4:51pm).

Match Report: March 7th, 2009

By: Constable Monocle on March 12th, 2009

Worthington Christian 5 - 3  Juices of Fire

Darren, Pedro, Jason and Nadine watch as match time expires

Darren, Pedro, Jason and Nadine watch their title hopes fade

The Juices title hopes were shattered on Sunday, following a last-gasp defeat to Worthington Christian. The top-of the-table battle was well fought, with the leaders squeaking by with a 2-point goal in the final moments. There was little between the two sides throughout the fifty minutes, but that will provide meager consolation to the Greens, who put in one of their finest performances of the season.

“Of course it’s disappointing. You always want to win,” said Michael Beam. “We created chances, but in the end we couldn’t capitalize.” Similar, completely insightful cliches were echoed by deflated teammate Joseph DeMatteo. “It’s important to score more goals than your opponent. If you can do that, then there’s a good chance you will get the result.” Right.

Despite missing four players to either injury, scholarship, or forgetfulness, the Juices held their own, proving that on any given day someone can step in and perform at the highest level. When Abdi, the “Djiboutian Messi” was MIA, the team didn’t panic, instead they collected their wits, left 900 voice-mails and texts on his phone, and fearlessly took the field. Their work was certainly cut out for them. Worthington Christian brought a dominate record to Field One ( It should be noted that playing on a Sunday gave the pregame edge to The Christians, despite their work rate on the Sabbath). Leading the charge for Los Pious was a bearded collective of players that threatened Micah “Papa Jewce” Soltz with an onslaught of shots. Micah’s awe-inspiring saves and the roars of the bench were enough to convert any “doubting Thomas” to the supporter-section of the Greens. In fact, without the “hands on” approach of the man in neon, and the services of Adam “Dread Juice” and Jason “Juice-A-Saurus Recs Specs,” the scoreline would have been very different.

Defense was only one of the Juices strengths throughout the game. Masterful ball control and passing have been the norm for the likes of Pedro and Randee, but their efforts are rubbing off more each week, and have improved the team’s overall standards. Given the lack of women players in the squad, midfield duties have been handed to Nadine and Randee, both of whom have the pace and skills to fool defenders. Nadine continues to prove her quality, and has become more confident when shooting. One of the main foes of Sunday’s match was undoubtedly the Christan keeper, who guarded the net as miserly as the pearly gates. Wave after wave of Juices attack from Randee, Nadine, Pedro and Troy either saw unlucky post deflections or difficult saves made

The Juices went down 1-0 early in the first-half after stocky-Zidane netted the first of his goals. After a series of beautiful passes, workhorse Darren seized an opportunity and sent an absolute stunner past the opposing keeper. The momentum shifted towards the Juices, with Leslie anchoring the defense, and Pedro providing his usual magic on both sides of the field. Troy continued to impress, sending a shot barely wide of the far post. His posture said it all as he laid on the ground in astonishment. The Juices had the possession and the creativity, but the ball wouldn’t find its way into the net.

Despite being double-marked, Pedro cut through the defense and scored for the Greens. His contribution didn’t end there. He was involved in a number of defensive foils, hustling down field to thwart the Christian crusaders. With the majority of the action bogged down in the midfield, the Juices saw Michael and Jason push forward at times, offering another option for the attack. Darren rotated between midfield and defense, providing a number of critical passes.

The score was level at 3-3 until the final minute, when stocky-Zidane sent caution quite literally to the wind, and fired a 2-pointer that sealed the win for the Christians. Holy shit, indeed.

As the season winds down, the supporters might conclude that injuries might be catching up with the Juices. With Troy missing most of the campaign and now Josh out, fans must have been concerned with the minor knocks acquired by Adam and Pedro. Randee had her share of scuffles again this week, as defenders continue to rigorously mark her. It can be said however, that the Christians behaved charitably when compared to previous opponents, even if they added insult to injury by passing around a collection basket after the match.

Now the question remains, what’s next for the Juices? The truckload of “Open Orange Champions” hats and t-shirts had to be returned, the trips to Disney World cancelled, and the champagne re-corked and sold to underage minors to recoup expenses. Next week the Juices meet Verizion Wireless to close the winter session. A win will go a long way to boost their confidence ahead of the spring campaign. Do they have what it takes? We’ll soon find out.

Juices of the match:  Micah and Pedro

Title Hopes Still Alive!

By: Soccer Face on March 4th, 2009

This report is fresh from the wire. Treat your eyes to some insightful, hard-hitting analysis from Open Orange expert “Soccer Face.”

After the thriller last week, the Juices are (just barely) still alive in the Open Orange title race. This week’s standings indicate Odd Assortment edged out league leaders Worthington Christian with a 4-3 victory. The four-way battle between Los Jugos, Worthing Christian, Odd Assortment, and Gender Bender will play out over the next three weeks, each team with two remaining matches. Here is a preview of the coming excitement:

Worthington Christian (6-1-0)

Worthington Christian must overcome the toughest schedule of the group to defend their league lead. After suffering their first defeat, the top-of-the-table group face the mighty Juices of Fire Sunday, followed by Gender Bender in their season finale.

Odd Assortment (5-1-1)

The exuberant young lads seem to be the strongest contenders for the title slot, with a match next week against bottom-dwellers Verizon Wireless (0-5-1) followed by middle-of-the-table Pay Per Vu (3-1-3). Pay Per Vu is undefeated since the first week, when they were outplayed by Worthington Christian. Keep in mind Pay Per Vu’s season highlight thus far was a stunning comeback against the Juices of Fire for a 5-5 draw after heading into the second half 3 goals down. If Odd Assortment are able to take the title, will the teammates copulate in an underage orgy to have each other’s babies (OMGZ!)?

Gender Bender (4-1-2)

With a bye week ahead, this young side faces the league leaders in two weeks then finishes its season against winless Verizon Wireless.

Juices of Fire (4-1-2)

As can be seen from the teams above, our Greens must win their remaining two matches and hope for some luck to secure the orange league title. They face an identical schedule as Gender Bender: this week facing the league leaders, then finishing their season against lowly Verizon Wireless.

How do you think the season will end? Will Worthington Christian be able to hold on? Will the youthful energy and mocking cries of Odd Assortment reign supreme? Can Gender Bender eek victories out by shouting xenophobic slurs at its opponents? Will the mighty Juices rise to the challenge? Leave us a comment below.


By: Constable Monocle on March 2nd, 2009

Welcome to the brand new and very official website/ blog thing dedicated to the Juices of Fire FC! Here you will find the latest team news, match reports, player profiles, gossip, and general ploys for profit and personal gain. It’s your one-stop place for all things ” Los Jugos.” Update your bookmarks!

Our design team has been working overtime to bring you a state of the art Juices experience. Enjoy your visit and don’t forget to leave your comments!

Pappy, the friendly soccer ball.

Match Report: March 1st, 2009

By: Constable Monocle on March 2nd, 2009

Juices of Fire 7 - 7 Gender Bender

Indoor football’s “Open Orange” division has undergone a transformation this term. Now considered “the 7th most elite coed-league played in Dublin, Ohio on Sunday evenings,” fans have been treated to a number of thrilling matches this season - all thanks to the Juices of Fire (naturally). The Juices, or Greens, (or Los Jugos) have become the quintessential football fan’s favorite bunch of rascals. Known for their ever improving, free-flowing brand of football, the Juices have established a local fan base rivaling OSU’s Archery Club. The Columbus Crew’s fatcats have taken notice. And they are scared.

Sunday evening’s classic saw the second and third positioned teams battle to keep their title hopes alive.

The Juices of Fire, fresh from their draw with Pay Per VU, were hosting the confounding-named Gender Bender. Despite the latter’s inability to challenge norms through atypical gender roles or androgynous behavior, the squad did produce a fair amount of squeals, not unlike those heard in a slaughterhouse or Mariah Carey concert. (It should be noted however, that one player was wearing a beanie - ed.)

From the opening whistle it was clear to the record five-person crowd that this would be a physical encounter. The Juices started strong, controlling possession, and opened the scoring with an excellent strike from Randee. But it wouldn’t be long before the Benders equalized. Leading the charge was the carelessly tough Dukes of Hazard blond dude, weaving the ball towards the white-shorted, unfortunately talented “That Guy,” who drove the ball into the back of the net.

With Abdi, Nadine, and Randee handling the majority of early possession, the Juices were able to create a number of chances, and kept the opposing goalie busy. The Benders showed glimmers of an impressive counterattack, with “That Guy” causing trouble for the Juices fortress-like back line of Adam “Dread Juice” and Josh. The advantage might have gone against the Greens if it weren’t for the services of Micah, who offered more savings than a Wal-Mart (er, sorry).

The first rotation of subs provided the Juices with a new round of opportunities. The Benders were quickly outclassed by Pedro’s Samba style moves and trademark exposed shin guards. Towards the end of the first half the Juices built upon their lead. Troy was back in the squad after an injury setback and immediately proved his quality, assisting a goal, and playing solid defense. Nadine added to the tally with another impressive strike. Despite “That Guy’s” rampant protests and fears that his bro-bangs might be tussled, the Juices defense did their best to neutralize the attack. Leslie and Jason were as reliable as ever, providing effective clearances and creating space for the midfield, while Darren pushed forward, playing all positions at once, and launching a few rockets near goal.

The game started to intensify, and after a dangerous colliding challenge with Michael, it seemed as though “That Guy” may finally get booked. The ref, taking a strenuous four paces, was later outraged by the xenophobic comments of the striker, and showed him a hardline, no-nonsense…wag of the finger.

The second half saw The Benders climb back into the game after a two-point goal eeked past Micah. The response was strong. Pedro calmly converted a penalty, and coordinated the attack. Chris returned to action for the Juices, winning a number of challenges in the back. The defense had its hands full containing Green Hornet star Kato, who gave a whole new meaning to the term “sidekick” (wink). Meanwhile, “Dread Juice” mixed things up, pushing forward relentlessly and orchestrating a number of chances.

There was a scary moment for the Juices’ supporters, as Josh came off with a groin injury. “Rec Specs,” answered the call and kept the line. Further confusion erupted near the end of regulation, with the score level at 7-7. Abdi was shown a blue card after “That Guy” shed tears over a slight handful of jersey. After a heart stopping fracas in the box, the Juices converted to attack and missed a near winner. The final moments saw Abdi race from the penalty box to help in defense. Just as it looked The Benders would be awarded a penalty, time had expired.

Tensions were high afterwards, and both teams were left to rue missed chances. With the result, Top-of-the-table Worthington Christian could capture the title with a win. Next week the Juices will have to bring their A-game if they want to “crucify” the leaders. Though their title hopes took a hit, the Juices remained the better team, involving all of their players and playing positive football. As usual, the scoreline doesn’t tell the entire story.

Juices of the match: Nadine and Randee